The Birthday Rule
What’s so special about birthdays?
Just a week ago, I turned 24. Oceans away from most of my friends and family, I woke up to messages, social media posts, voicemails and shoutouts that I am privileged to receive every year on my birthday. Normally, I would have taken this outpouring of love as standard birthday practice, but this year, I felt something was different. As my phone buzzed throughout the day, I found myself whispering to myself, “how nice everyday would be, if people thought it was my birthday.”
It got me thinking… am I just extraordinarily loved or do birthdays have something special to them? I’ve always thought of myself as emotionally in-touch and so I decided to dig a little deeper.
What about the other rules?
Having recently founded two separate start-ups, I’ve spent an enormous amount of time pouring my heart into learning everything I can about how to build a remarkable company culture that can scale. Along the way, I’ve been reminded of the rules we’ve all been taught at one time or another.
Everyone hears of The Golden Rule, “treat others the way you want to be treated.” It’s a grade school classic and surely has great intentions, but in my opinion, it has a tragic flaw. Focusing on the way you want to be treated seems selfish and doesn’t take into consideration the importance of listening to what another person needs.
You might have also heard “live each day like it’s your last” or “we never know when we are going to die, so you better live it up” or even simpler “YOLO.” While living in the face of imminent death is quite human, it doesn’t sound particularly inviting nor motivating to me. In fact, I find that these sayings remove all human responsibility and accountability — something I think the world needs more of.
So what’s the birthday rule?
“Treat others the way you would treat them if you found out it was their birthday”
It sounds fairly basic, and maybe that’s why it’s so profound. Everyone has a birthday (whether they like to celebrate it or not is another story), but it’s what makes us human. Perhaps this rule works so well because it serves as an ode to the beginning of life? The idea that every day is a new beginning/opportunity to show up for ourselves and others in a big way? I think it’s the quintessential way to practice mindfulness.
How to use the birthday rule?
How many times have you been in a work meeting and found out it was a coworker’s birthday the day before and stopped a serious conversation for a quick moment to wish them a happy belated? Odds are, you’ve experienced this type of “gratitude check” sometime in your life. I think there’s something just under the surface that needs to be celebrated a lot more often.
Yet, at times, the way we treat each other on their birthday can come from a fake politeness, right? When you find out it is someone’s birthday in a meeting, you stop and check in, but do you really want to know what the person actually did to celebrate the day before? Do you want to give them the floor for 10 minutes to recount the day’s activities and feelings? Most likely, you’re more interested in the topic at hand and the congratulatory interruption is fleeting. Nevertheless, it doesn’t quite matter. After all, the birthday rule is not truly for others–though they benefit quite significantly–it is for you to practice, yourself.
The birthday rule in practice?
You can practice the birthday rule on any level. It can be seen as a way to measure progress to an individual goal, or an ideal that everyone strives to achieve. Whatever the case may be, using the guiding principle of imagining it’s someone else’s birthday will help reframe and recenter your thoughts and behaviors.
Reed Hastings famously designed a culture deck, which became Silicon Valley’s gospel for building the Dream Team, Bob Iger championed his 10 rules for being a leader in Ride Of A Lifetime, and Brené Brown broke the internet with her Ted Talk on Vulnerability, yet everyday, companies are faced with the challenge of building incredible culture that can also scale. Building remarkable company culture is personal and just like finding the best recipe to bake a cake. I like to think of The Birthday Rule as the feeling that comes after enjoying the first bite.
If we want to make the world a less polarized place, we have to start by taking responsibility for the things we can control. It’s our job to remind ourselves of how to put forth our best effort (attitude wise) and what better way than to imagine other people celebrating their birthday.
Takeaways of the birthday rule?
The next time you sit down at your computer to reply to your coworker’s email or start a discussion with your partner, just think to yourself, “how would I be acting if it was their birthday?
Would you send a passive aggressive email because you’re having a tough day? Would you lose your temper because they ‘just don’t understand’? Or would you cut them extra slack, listen more closely, extend them gratitude, appreciation, understanding and respect?
I’ve found this one question is the most helpful and tangible way to practice living each day with love. For your sake, I hope you’re able to enjoy your cake and eat it too.
Happy birthday!
